Dolls & Bears

Snow Sensation Barbie

Everything’s Happy Underground

I never thought I’d hear myself saying this, but music just isn’t the same as when I was young. Yes yes yes, I know I am still young at the tender age of 24, but I’m referring to the young when you’ve just got your first sprout of pubic hair, you can’t wait to start your periods and what music you listen to plays a big part in defining “who you really are”.

To go through my teenage years with the likes of Steps, Britney, Boyzone and Craig David topping the charts, I deliberately listened to music that proved I was “different” to everyone else, or really my group of friends was different to everyone else. Music for the white, middle classed and angry teenager who quite simply would not conform to the bomber jacket wearing, cigarette smoking, scraped back hairsprayed pony tailed way of life that made up the “kevs”, “chavs”, “townies” (or whatever you called them) majority of the school population. The people that scowled at you when you produced you homework diary which was covered in your poor attempts at drawing the Smashing Pumpkins logo, or the Nirvana smile or some depressing quote “I hate myself and I want to die” etc. They didn’t get it did they. They were quite content to get fingered in the cupboard at break or argue whether or not Jamie and Kim were “seeing each other” or fully blown “going out” when Kerry snogged him after 3 bottles of Hooch at Luke’s party over the weekend. (Because if they were only seeing each other it is ok for this to happen, in case you were wondering – if they were going out Kim has every right to have a bitch fight with Kerry who is now going out with Tom anyway so it doesn’t really matter anymore). I was classed as a “freak” and I loved it! I wasn’t a freak at all. I did enjoy the music, but put it this way, when Kurt Cobain topped himself I didn’t sit there and think “oh the tragic irony that everything he stood against, the mainstream, fame, the commercialisation of rock music was the very thing that lead him to his suicide” and consider taking my own life as statement of my loyalty to him and his message. Oh no, I had my 12 plus to sit that year and I had practise papers to do if I was going to get in to grammar school! I wore the t-shirts and tried to look scary with my dark makeup and headphones in nodding my head to the dulcet tones of “silverchair” or something equally as hilarious but deep down I was just another teenager, I just didn’t want to get fingered in the cupboard or scrape my hair back with hair spray and music seemed the best route to get out of this. Obviously there isn’t any reason why I shouldn’t listen to the bands I liked and still get on with these people, and I know that now, but it seemed to me a good reason to divide myself from them – much in the same way you see in American movies that the sporty “jocks” or “cheerleaders” are divided you from the skaters etc, just listen to the gospel of Avril Lavigne!

And you know what, every school year needs me and my group of friends, much as you need the geeks, the rude boys, the fit (easy) girls etc. But recently there has been a massive change in the direction of music and it has thrown everything completely in to disarray.

Since the dawn of time the charts have been dominated by mainstream music created to please a population of idiots. Idiots who want to dance the locomotion and macarena. Idiots who get Robson and Jerome to number one, who love the cheeky girls and embraced Aqua and “barbie girl” as if they were revolutionists. The moments when these songs topped the charts gave my friends and me exactly what we wanted, something to moan about. I couldn’t count the amount of conversations I have had which went along the lines of “How the fuck can anybody actually go to the shop and buy these records, who ARE these people”. Or the amount of exchanged smug “we are so superior to them” looks to each other as Kim and Kerry (who now are best buddies again after Jamie dumped Kim and went round telling everyone that Kerry is “tight”) swap spice girls CDs.

Electric guitars did not make it in to the charts, and on the rare occasion they did the band were immediately dismissed from the “underground” world as we liked to call it. I’ll never forget the anguish when Bush appeared on top of the pops. What were they thinking?! They will last for one song in the ‘mainstream’ world, one song, while their true fans sit betrayed, hurt, cheated, never to buy their records again. How could they?! The fucking sell outs!

We (the underground) relied on the Great British public to buy crap so we could continue being angry and sulky about it, this gave us purpose! Recently though this turned upside down. We now live in a world where a nu-metal group can win Eurovision, “My Chemical Romance” get to number one and the charts are dominated by indie and emo groups. The worst thing about it is that very few of them are very good! In all honesty I would rather some shitty boy bands attempts to sing and perform some overly rehearsed dance routine than “just another fucking indie band” with some overly arrogant singer whose longish hair is perfectly straightened and gelled to look like he has just got out of bed. I just can’t find anything special with their music. At least the boy band was laughable and entertaining! It seems that all these bands have one catchy hit per album which inspires a whole festival crowd to whip out their lighters and inflate the lead singers ego further by doing his job for him and singing the whole song for him while he practises his sulky pout behind the messy hair. The fact that all the other songs they have written are crap and all sound the same doesn’t seem to matter. They should really save us all the grief of buying these shit albums to listen to one song and join forces to make an album of these classics. I can see it in the shops now – “Songs to get your lighters out to” by “Snow light razor party bloc fire arcade knives young play cold patrol” as forced on you by Jo Wiley. Of course there are a few that do have an edge, something a bit different and special. and The Arctic Monkeys are about the only thing Zane Lowe has got right this millennium and they are good. Also the Fratellis are great – chuck in a few trumpets and trombones and Robert’s your fathers brother! But the majority is 4 messy boys 2 guitars, a bass, drums and a droning “almost” singer singing songs they think are actually going to change the world – don’t even start me on the Killers, I’ll explode.

The other side of the charts gives us the latest sensation that is ‘emo’. I recently found out this stands for “emotional rock” which is fairly self explanatory however the term ‘emo’ does not only give you a music genre but is actually a way of life. There is a new breed of people out there everyone, make way for the emo generation.

These ants are taking over the earth’s surface with there blacked out eyes and ridiculous messy black/purple hair blocking out most of there face! Somebody should tell them I did this image ten years ago – and I did it better!

Only, there is a massive massive flaw in the Emo mentality/philosophy. Emos are angry, uber angry. The anger supposedly stems from the fact the way they are is not accepted in to society. People don’t get them and life is just unfair on these misunderstood souls. Kids are trying to be “different” but the irony is that they are all “different” hence, all the same, well, different in the same way! Does that make sense?!? The emo bands all sing about being unaccepted in the mainstream world. But they ARE the mainstream world. Bands like “My Chemical Romance”, “Fall Out Boy” and whoever else are just as commercial and manufactured as Steps were but at least those cheeky lot in Steps admitted this and took what they could from it!

This is terrible! Children have vulnerable, easily influenced personalities. Before you were safe in the knowledge that the majority of children were tuning in to Kylie Minogue, the Backstreet Boys and B*witched (what are you like) singing about all things pink and fluffy. Now the majority are listening to, for example the following lyrics by Papa Roach:

“Cut my life into pieces

I’ve reached my last resort

Suffocation

No breathing

Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

Do you even care if I die bleeding

Would it be wrong

Would it be right

If I took my life tonight

Chances are that I might

Mutilation outta sight

And I’m contemplating suicide”

Slightly different message than Gina G was trying to get across!

I listened to depressing music and may have pretended to be angry at the world, but I was clever enough to realise it was just music and not take it too seriously!! Most children are stupid and now this depressing, angry music is mainstream god knows the consequences! I also find it very sad they are being completely conned. These bands are all actually little rich kids whose Daddys have paid to get them recording contracts. They don’t know the first thing about struggling through life, they just cash in by singing about it! The lead singer of My Chemical Romance is called Gerrard for fucks sake!

One thing that has upset me, and I feel really embarrassed about this because it makes me sound so arrogant but a select few of MY bands, yes MY bands from when I was growing up have completely sold out on me. I was there when Green Day released Basket Case, when the Red Hot Chili Peppers release Under the Bridge. I saved my pocket money and bought the tapes – yes tapes, and I’ve been there since. Through the fuck up albums, the heroine addictions, the endless touring, interviews and scandals. I WAS THERE. I went to see Green Day with my lovely friend who was also THERE, 3 years ago at Milton Keynes bowl and I wish I hadn’t. I so wish I hadn’t. These boys I had grown up beside are now fat old men with huge egos too good to play personal venues for their proper fans. I had seen them play at V98 and they were the highlight of my day. Energetic, cheeky, naughty, fun etc. Now its just boring, rehearsed crap. And the crowd, oh woe on me. I looked around and aside from the 13 year old emo ants crawling around the field I saw hundreds of lagered up, skin head, tattoed, England shirt wearing wankers passing out from binge drinking/sunstroke or swaying with their arms around each other bellowing “Wake me up when September ends” (that song should be destroyed, every copy of it). How did this happen? I just don’t know, what makes these people think they have the right to sing along to basketcase – I bet they don’t know a single other fucking song pre 2004! The cunts. I hate it. Well being rock and roll as I am, in protest I left during that god forsaken song – mainly to miss the traffic out of Milton Keynes. I’d like to believe, however, that some how Billy Joe looked up across the cunts that now makes up their fan base and caught the disappointed look in my eye as I turned my back on them vowing to NEVER EVER go to a ego inflating gig like that again.

I’m on a mission to bring back pop. We need the great British public to revolt. Get Louis Walsh and Pete Waterman on the case to manufacture some more truly shit bands with catchy songs which in 20 years time will still be played on student nights – and I don’t mean one hit x-factor winners – I mean proper bands like east 17 and westlife, for fucks sake even they are aiming themselves at middle aged housewives now! Bring back the music the average Joes love and the non average Joes love to hate and take underground back underground where it should be. Where its makes no money, and the people that make it are full of talent, inspiration and doing it for the love and not the money.

So as not to break tradition I’ll leave you with the lyrics from a song aptly named “Underground” by the late Ben Folds Five. A bit of an anthem for me when I was growing up as a PROPER alternative!! Hope you enjoyed lovelies.

I was never cool in school

I’m sure you don’t remember me

And now it’s been 10 years

I’m still wondering who to be

But I’d love to mix in circles, cliques, and social coteries – that’s me

Hand me my nose ring

Show me the mosh pit

We can be happy underground

Who’s got the looks

Who’s got the brains

Who’s got everything

I got this pain in my heart, that’s all

Hey you with the long and lonely face

There’s got to be something else

Let me tell ya something else

There was a girl who passed me by

She gave a smile but I was shy

I looked down, so down

Don’t look there no no, go go underground

But now there’s a place to go

It’s the morning now, it’s the evening

It’s everything

I click my heels and I’m there

We’ll be decked in all black

Slamming the pit fantastic

Officer Friendly’s little boy’s got a mohawk

And he knows just where we’re coming from

It’s industrial, work it underground

Get down, get down, get down

Underground, underground

Everything’s happy underground

You been kicked around

Did life bring you down here

Everything’s heavy underground

About the Author

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